The Crazy Job.

hi. my name is Dan.
i work in a factory. a carpet factory actually. we make carpet here, and carpet accessories.
haha, carpets don't have accessories. that's just a carpet joke.
you have to have a sense of humour to work here. you'd go crazy. i mean, c'mon, it's carpet.
yeah...
so i'm in charge of dye. like, colour. we dye our big thread, then the thread goes somewhere... away from me.
i like to eat croissants while i work. they are so great! cheese... plain... HAM and cheese!! it doesn't get any better.
my foreman doesn't like it when i eat near the dye. well, my former foreman. HA! FOR-MAN. another joke. i'm awesome.

...ya we got a new foreman. he's ok. the old guy just, disappeared. gone. noone knows anything.
...except me.
...i have a secret.

i had to work overtime a few weeks back, on a saturday. i had a croissant. i remember it was good. nice and crunchy. my foreman (the old guy) was really riding me about eating. he actually GRABBED my delicious croissant OUT of my hand, and THREW it in the garbage!
yeah! I KNOW!
you understand me. i couldn't let him get away with that!
so i waited until the end of the day when everyone was gone, and i told him his wife was out back waiting for him. she wasn't. he came out back and i HIT HIM with the delivery truck!
that's right. I DID IT!!

then i threw him in the dye mixer. he DYED! get it?
he shouldn't have messed with my croissant!
you can actually find him today. he's the red carpet at Artisano's on Islington in Toronto. now, instead of him telling people what to do, people walk all over HIM!!
HA! you have to have a sense of humour to work here. you'd go crazy.

Elford St.

what happened on Elford St.? i'll tell you. EVERYTHING.
...yet, nothing.
noone ever talks about it.
i'm surprised I am. i'm so surprised, i just shocked myself. wow.

...then again, maybe i won't tell you. what will you do then?
cry? you gonna cry?
run to your mommy, you stupid reader!
whiny baby.
"oooh, you won't tell me."
shut up. i don't want my story seen near you, so click away.
CLICK AWAY!!
hit your back button.
find another story to read!

Chair

This chair is leather.
maybe.
I was never good at telling if something was made of real or fake leather.
...but the stitching is good. I know all about stitching.
black thread.
long black thread.
probably done with a machine.
yeah. i know alot.

...

this is what he said to me...
"Back off!"
that's when i broke his arm.
then i backed off... just to make him happy.

How ?

it's a question. it's one word. it's one of five words.
...
if how could be a solid object, it would have to be a piece of wood. then someone could say something like, "hey, let's go to the store."
and you'd SMASH him in the face with the wood.
...
he'd get a face full of how.

Uneven Steven

my mp3 player needs batteries, in the same way i need a sandwich.
i bet it won't buy me one tho. It's very ungrateful.

eww. bikers.

my hands are dirty. some people drive their bikes fast. they may have dirty hands also.
my hair is clean, but i bet their hair isn't.
bikers are dirty people.
It's well known.

....

my mind is my personal domain and i have no furniture.

my body is a temple, but i'm not sure who's.

Untold Inner Struggle

Eat your peas.
You may die, and it might be because of the peas.
Eat them anyway.
I told you so.

Desire

One day a man looked out his window. He saw no tree. It dawned on him that he wanted a tree, and quite badly. He ran outside and looked at his lawn with disgust.
"NO TREE!!"
About 750kms away, a woman looked her window. She saw a tree. She didn't want her tree. It was in the way. She ran outside.
"NO TREE!!"
Neither of these people ever met, or fixed their problems.

red

red, it's the colour. why? WHY!??!

-well... cuz it is. don't get mad.

AAAH! i WILL get mad! and there's nothing you can DO about it.

-oh, well i don't really WANT to DO something about it. i just think it's bad for you.

you, you actually CARE about ME??

-i don't know you, but ya i guess...

wow. that's great! noone ever cared about me before. i grew up in a fridge box on the side of a cliff.

-WOW! a fridge box! i LOVE those.

what about the CLIFF?? i say cliff and you care about a BOX?

-the cliff seemed kinda exagerated

YOU THINK I LIED!??!

-i don't know, maybe.

I LIVED ON A CLIFF!!

-whoa, dude. calm.

DON'T TELL ME TO CALM!! AAAARRGH!!

-...i don't think i like you.

I DON'T LIKE BOXES AND CLIFFS!!!

?????

you look SO weird. why am i looking at you?
i can't stop!
this is scaring me.
why did you do this to me!?
...it's not because of any one thing, it's YOU. all of you.
STOP IT, me, STOP IT!!
if i don't stop looking at this person i'm gonna... i'm gonna GAUGE my eyes out!
no, no i won't. if i don't stop, then i'll just keep looking.
!!HE SAW ME!!
AHH!!!
i gotta look away, NOW!!
i'm embarased.
i hate me.

"Pain"

does it hurt?
-yes.
why does it hurt?
-cuz...um... i said ow.
no! idiot! not cuz THAT!
-oh, then cuz i felt it?
yeeeees, good. now you're learning.
-my head hurts.
that's cuz i just punched it.