The ...if... concepts. -pt 1

...if dogs could talk.
i bet it would be interesting for about 13 minutes, and after 21 minutes we would instill a law to eradicate dogs from the earth.

...if no one ever covered their feet.
i think we would have more appreciation for a well structured foot.

...if we were colourblind.
the colour red wouldn't convey both sensual and thrilling emotions... cuz there wouldn't be any red.

Weather

Remember that song? The one that said, "The weather outside is frightful"? Well, today, I'm scared. The weather has stepped it up a notch in the fright department. It applied to the Department of Fright last year and was accepted. What I heard, was that it was quite a lengthy process; an application form; 2 interviews; a written essay. Ya, the weather had it hard.

I would think that the weather would be kinda conflicted. I mean, it's raining on people, causing depression, destroying plants and homes... the whole time, the sun is up there shining on the weather. The weather always has a great day.

But again, I'm scared. I'm scared for small rodents and bugs. It's gotta be hard to hold on in these high winds... and these death clouds have GOT to look huge!
...or maybe they have a great time on what we consider bad days. The wind blowing them around. They don't have roller coatsers like we do. This may be the only fun they get. Bug children teying to dodge rain drops.

I'm scared we don't fully understand the needs of insects and little furry rodents.

Bad, Time, BAD!! -pt 1

Time is my ENEMY!!
That is why I've decided to boycott it. From now on, I will not use time. In fact, I think boycotting it isn't enough. I'm madder than that. I need to do more!

I will KILL TIME!!
Look out Time, your... ah, time has come (mmm *note to self* - get new saying for that).

So, now, I have to find Time. I will start in the JUNGLE!! I'm not sure which one, maybe the one in Thailand... have you SEEN the Thai people?? They all look like children... they must KNOW Time. They're FRIENDS with Time. Time was kind to them.

---not done--- but if you wanna think of it as done, whatever bends your elbow... k, THAT didn't work. i had "whatever floats your boat" in my mind, but didn't want to use that...
whatever flips your pancakes...
whatever shuts your door...
whatever nukes your Mechelina's...
whatever builds your ikea desk...
whatever fluffs your pillow...
whatever cleans your glasses...

On the inside we are all mushy... and that's all that matters.

Subway Lady

Everyday there is a woman in the subway. She doesn't really move. No one sees her ride the subway. She's just down there, down in the subway. She doesn't even have a seat. She's on the floor, kinda like a musician, but she's not allowed to sit inside the yellow dots. Inside the yellow dots is off limits to her. That's for musical people who audition. She didn't audition. This is her life. No on auditions for life.

She's homeless. Most people either try not to look at her, avoiding her meager lifestyle; or they give her a dirty look. Some people give her change, but they can't help but think they are just fueling the fire. Not REALLY helping.

She doesn't look so beautiful now, but at one time she was really cute. When she was born she brought joy into someone's life. She was a cute little girl who laughed and played. She was someone's fun girlfriend.

She's my daughter... ok, so she's not MY daughter, but she's someone's.

Tasty Lips

i'm crying. why am i crying?? i HATE crying.

well, i suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that i don't have a bottom lip. i think, of both lips, it's the most important one. the top lip is lucky, it can hide in the shade of the nose. you can even grow a partial moustache... depending on how much of the top lip you have left.

but the bottom lip! if you lose that you're screwed! and i'm screwed! what am i going to do. i can't even eat soup! i LOVE soup!!

look at me! no, don't. maybe i can pass it off as a chin deformity. no. no one would believe that. you can see the teeth marks! well, at least when my friends go, "!!WHERE'D YOU'RE BOTTOM LIP GO!?", i can say, "it's in my stomach!"

The Crazy Job.

hi. my name is Dan.
i work in a factory. a carpet factory actually. we make carpet here, and carpet accessories.
haha, carpets don't have accessories. that's just a carpet joke.
you have to have a sense of humour to work here. you'd go crazy. i mean, c'mon, it's carpet.
yeah...
so i'm in charge of dye. like, colour. we dye our big thread, then the thread goes somewhere... away from me.
i like to eat croissants while i work. they are so great! cheese... plain... HAM and cheese!! it doesn't get any better.
my foreman doesn't like it when i eat near the dye. well, my former foreman. HA! FOR-MAN. another joke. i'm awesome.

...ya we got a new foreman. he's ok. the old guy just, disappeared. gone. noone knows anything.
...except me.
...i have a secret.

i had to work overtime a few weeks back, on a saturday. i had a croissant. i remember it was good. nice and crunchy. my foreman (the old guy) was really riding me about eating. he actually GRABBED my delicious croissant OUT of my hand, and THREW it in the garbage!
yeah! I KNOW!
you understand me. i couldn't let him get away with that!
so i waited until the end of the day when everyone was gone, and i told him his wife was out back waiting for him. she wasn't. he came out back and i HIT HIM with the delivery truck!
that's right. I DID IT!!

then i threw him in the dye mixer. he DYED! get it?
he shouldn't have messed with my croissant!
you can actually find him today. he's the red carpet at Artisano's on Islington in Toronto. now, instead of him telling people what to do, people walk all over HIM!!
HA! you have to have a sense of humour to work here. you'd go crazy.

Elford St.

what happened on Elford St.? i'll tell you. EVERYTHING.
...yet, nothing.
noone ever talks about it.
i'm surprised I am. i'm so surprised, i just shocked myself. wow.

...then again, maybe i won't tell you. what will you do then?
cry? you gonna cry?
run to your mommy, you stupid reader!
whiny baby.
"oooh, you won't tell me."
shut up. i don't want my story seen near you, so click away.
CLICK AWAY!!
hit your back button.
find another story to read!

Chair

This chair is leather.
maybe.
I was never good at telling if something was made of real or fake leather.
...but the stitching is good. I know all about stitching.
black thread.
long black thread.
probably done with a machine.
yeah. i know alot.

...

this is what he said to me...
"Back off!"
that's when i broke his arm.
then i backed off... just to make him happy.

How ?

it's a question. it's one word. it's one of five words.
...
if how could be a solid object, it would have to be a piece of wood. then someone could say something like, "hey, let's go to the store."
and you'd SMASH him in the face with the wood.
...
he'd get a face full of how.

Uneven Steven

my mp3 player needs batteries, in the same way i need a sandwich.
i bet it won't buy me one tho. It's very ungrateful.

eww. bikers.

my hands are dirty. some people drive their bikes fast. they may have dirty hands also.
my hair is clean, but i bet their hair isn't.
bikers are dirty people.
It's well known.

....

my mind is my personal domain and i have no furniture.

my body is a temple, but i'm not sure who's.

Untold Inner Struggle

Eat your peas.
You may die, and it might be because of the peas.
Eat them anyway.
I told you so.

Desire

One day a man looked out his window. He saw no tree. It dawned on him that he wanted a tree, and quite badly. He ran outside and looked at his lawn with disgust.
"NO TREE!!"
About 750kms away, a woman looked her window. She saw a tree. She didn't want her tree. It was in the way. She ran outside.
"NO TREE!!"
Neither of these people ever met, or fixed their problems.

red

red, it's the colour. why? WHY!??!

-well... cuz it is. don't get mad.

AAAH! i WILL get mad! and there's nothing you can DO about it.

-oh, well i don't really WANT to DO something about it. i just think it's bad for you.

you, you actually CARE about ME??

-i don't know you, but ya i guess...

wow. that's great! noone ever cared about me before. i grew up in a fridge box on the side of a cliff.

-WOW! a fridge box! i LOVE those.

what about the CLIFF?? i say cliff and you care about a BOX?

-the cliff seemed kinda exagerated

YOU THINK I LIED!??!

-i don't know, maybe.

I LIVED ON A CLIFF!!

-whoa, dude. calm.

DON'T TELL ME TO CALM!! AAAARRGH!!

-...i don't think i like you.

I DON'T LIKE BOXES AND CLIFFS!!!

?????

you look SO weird. why am i looking at you?
i can't stop!
this is scaring me.
why did you do this to me!?
...it's not because of any one thing, it's YOU. all of you.
STOP IT, me, STOP IT!!
if i don't stop looking at this person i'm gonna... i'm gonna GAUGE my eyes out!
no, no i won't. if i don't stop, then i'll just keep looking.
!!HE SAW ME!!
AHH!!!
i gotta look away, NOW!!
i'm embarased.
i hate me.

"Pain"

does it hurt?
-yes.
why does it hurt?
-cuz...um... i said ow.
no! idiot! not cuz THAT!
-oh, then cuz i felt it?
yeeeees, good. now you're learning.
-my head hurts.
that's cuz i just punched it.

!!!!!Paint!!!!!

do you like paint? i LOVE paint. i love paint conditionally. my love for paint comes with conditions. actually, with only one condition.
- it can not be in a can -
i love paint on walls, i love paint on the floor,
on my clothes, i love paint on the door.
paint shouldn't be in a can, it should be seen.
cut me open and cover my spleen.
on my head, on a cat, it don't matter,
paint is phat.
from the brush, to the canvas, i met a guy named Travis.
i like the design of a whirl, i ain't no holla-back girl.
eat it, lick it, sniff it, hide it,
anyway at all, even in my armpit.
paint is flammable, it'll go blam,
get it on something, and out of the can!

The Subway Ghost (undone... may never be)

hi. i have a story. well, it's not a story, it's REAL, and it will FREAK you out. you will freak... maybe even so much, that you finally understand what Rick James was talking about.

it was a dark day. one of those days that makes you want to "fall" off a bridge. sorry i lie. HA. it was actually a nice day. i just said that for effect. drama. i mean, everyone else does it. why can't i?... i can. so, so i did. did you like it? i may do that again. watch for it.

yeah, where was i? oh, that day. right. so, nice day, didn't wanna kill self. ok

it was a nice day. one of those autumn days where it was crisp. the sun was out and i wanted a latte. see, i like lattes. don't ask me why, i just do. *sidenote - i'm not a snob*
there is this excellent little cafe downtown Toronto called Zoe's Bakery Cafe. they makea great latte, and since it was such a nice day, i decided to go there.

BUT... i had to take the subway...
which i like! so that was good. (see? i did it again. you thought it was negative. a neg. but it was not. back to the story.)
so there i am, deadless and latteless. one, i WANT. the other, enh, take or leave. i'll probly leave though. um, not like, leave this world, but leave it somewhere else... and not take. whatever.
I WANT A LATTE AND NOT DEATH!!! there? got it? it's kinda confusing.

so i hop on the subway. i like to call the subway, The Rollercoaster. the tracks look like one. people wait for it. some are anxious. then it pulls up. people get off. people get on. everyone takes a seat. some even hold onto the metal bar. and everyone paid.
that day, the subway was full. no seats left. ther was standing room only. kinda like a special event of some sort. so i guess the subway is like a rollercoaster and a special event of some sort. maybe a concert... or a hot dog eating contest. maybe i will start calling the subway, The Hotdog.

i had to stand for a long time. i don't really enjoy standing. it's odd. why stand? SIT. it's what the popular kids are doing. they sit. i've seen them doing it.
but i'm standing. untill, a seat is available. someone got up from their seat and got off. they got up and off. just after i saw the free seat, my eyes met with another person's eyes. they, were also standing. i could tell they wanted that seat. they wanted to be COOL, just as i did.
we stared each other down. i don't mean like, lookin' at each other. i mean, DOWN!! it was a fight. a battle ROYALE!! it was gettin' crazy all up in here... but was still down. it was gettin' crazy all up and down in here... there. cuz this is mostly a past tense story... but sometimes now tense, like now.

i think i wanted to be be cool more. i wanted it more. he did not want it more than me. than i. it's as if he wanted it less.
i love cool. love it. i could put it between two peices of bread and make a sandwich out of it. a cool sandwich. and i would eat it up. or maybe take it to Orange Julias and ask them to add it to a smoothie for me. i would drink it. my mango/cool smoothie.
i wanted that seat. because i almost hate standing.
so i ran! i ran as fast as i could. the other person i think, anticipated me running, and ran also. this person was fast. i mean, fast as in, not like slow. AT ALL.
but since the seat was only 4ft away from me, i got there first.

have you ever ran at top speed, 4ft? don't. i realised that maybe i wanted to be cool, less than i wanted that other person NOT to be cool. my hatred forthat other person's possibility of being cool was almost my downfall. as i not literally flew past that cool-infested seat, this sound came out of me. it went like this,
"ENNNNH!!!"
my arm reached behind me as if to grab hold of something. but there was nothing there that i was grabbing at. my head went back as i tried to turn my body back around towards my starting position. i was now 5 feet past the chair... further from cool ever it seemed. my head kept saying "I ALMOST HATE STANDING!" I WAS UNWILLING TO GIVE UP.
because of the oddly familiar position i was in, which is another story, i fell. my arm still stretched out towards the seat, i scrambled to get 5 feet back to it. i was guessing the other person was close behind me. i did not want to give it up. i crawled forward untill i could grab the seat. i managed to pull myself up onto it.
that's when i noticed the other person. they looked sad. forlorn. almost, depressed. they must have been striving after cool for a looong time. i wanted to console this person. i felt what they felt. THE PAIN! oh, it hurts.
i remember.
the quietness of uncoolness is deep. it cuts. it cuts deep. the sad look on that person's face hurt me. i started to make that same sad face. my desire to console this person made me even sadder, because, when a stranger helps a stranger, it is only done out of deep empathy and emotion.
so i spoke out!
right there on that subway. the words, they just came out. they came out with a force similar to that of a punch in the face. i couldn't stop them. words that, deep inside, past the exterior shell, had empathy. empathy and meaning and emotion.
the words were,

"SUCKA!! I'M cool now! This is MY hotdog seat BEEATCH!!"

The Turtle with no Shell

Terry is a turtle. Terry has no shell. Terry is very cold. Terry told me that he likes your sweater. Terry would like to have it.
Are you going to give it to him? Are you going to let Terry stay cold? Are you so heartless? Are you the kind person that doesn't use their brain? ARE YOU STUPID???
Terry thinks you are. Terry talks about you behind your back.

Lie?

The car died after it rolled into the ditch.
It didn't start with an accident.
It started with me slapping you in the face.
Does your face hurt?
I hope it does.
I tried hard to slap it good.
Maybe I shouldn't have slapped.
I should have HIT.
Why?
Why did i slap you?
I don't know.
I guess i was thinking.
You were right there.
Too bad you came with me today.
Too bad for you! HA!

What makes a person sane?
If i do everything i think of,
does that mean i am true to myself.
Am i honest with myself?
If i don't,
for the sake of others,
is that a lie?
Insane?
Reach out and touch someone.
Stop driving.

My Depressing Glass of Water

Water. The most precious ingredient in the the cycle of life. This wonderful clear substance makes life, keeps life, and regenerates life.
We need to keep the water happy. WATER, should never be mad. what if, someday, water decides to up and LEAVE?? what would happen?? well, after everything died, nothing, but untill THEN, oh man.
The water has the POWER!
It CONTROLS us, man!
...i wonder if the water knows...
...
...
is the water smart?
has it realised what's goin' on?
or, is it waiting. yes, is it WAITING??? does the water have an AGENDA?!??! a timetable? do we need to FEAR the WATER?!!?
"RUN! RUN FROM THE WATER!"
we have angered it. insulted the water with our, with our "flavour crystals" and instant coffee.

WHY did we HAVE to DO this???
AAAAARRRGH!! I FEEL THE WATER'S PAIN!!!
i am sympathetic for the water.
please forgive me water! oh hear me water!
...
...
don't hate me. water. please... love me.
i love YOU water. more than you will ever know or realize.
I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU WATER!!!! i just can't. i can't do it.
...
...
can we still be friends? will you spend time with me? maybe have dinner sometime. you could be right there with me. at the same table as me.
hey water, hey... remember that time? y'know, heh, that TIME??
oh, you don't.
YOU ARE SO INSENSITIVE, WATER!!
i don't think we CAN be friends.
I HATE YOU!!
I HATE YOU, WATER!
...
...

don't cry. please don't cry, water. i hate it when you cry.
no nooo, of course you're better than carbonated soda beverages. yeess, there there. aawww. i know. tell daddy, that's right. let it out. aww.
ya i mean it. you ARE the best, water.
yes. the best.

New story, no name yet

it was dark. then it was not dark, it was light. and there is only ONE reason for a dark then light situation like that. it's called, NIGHT THEN DAY. and it was right about that time that the next event took place. some people call it... MORNING.

The Intricate Tale of Two Beers

One day, there was this man. Actually, he was there quite a few days. Lots really. Sorry, didn't mean to mislead you. What I meant in my head is different than what I told you. What I meant was, "On a particular day of many." So that is what i shall say.

On a particular day of many, there was this man. He currently could smell the exhaust of the transit bus that he was sitting on. The window was open, which was uncomfortable for it was fairly cold out, let alone the exhaust. He was forced to use THIS particular seat. He didn't like this seat. As he walked down the bus, it was the only seat left, and for reason too! All the seats on this bus were a velvety-ish red. The uncalled-for seat was not all red. It had a fair sized spot... no, not spot, that indicates something small.. it had a fair sized BLOTCH of hard goo. Will it stick to the ars-end of pants?? Who would know? Obviously not anyone on THIS bus. Noone was sitting on it. He sat on it. He was tired and was not about to stand. The window was stuck. AH, that's why it was open, blowing directly into his face.

As he sat in the wind and goo, he thought of his day at work, and how he'd shot his supervisor in the face. Noone liked him anyway. It was just as well, right? Well, as it seems, thick blue rubber bands don't do much damage to the face, but it DOES get you fired. It was after his supervisor yelled, "AaaooooWWWWW!!!", that he yelled, "Your OUTTA HERE!!!".
Stupid man liked baseball alittle too much. It was precisely at THAT point that our hero's mind clicked. If you had been there, you would have actually seen his left eye squint and quiver a little bit. He slowly got up from his chair, in his grey cubical, walked past his now former supervisor, and walked, what seemed, calmly into the mail room. He grabbed a cardboard mailing tube and then beat the crap out of his former supervisor.

His one regret is that the cardboard tube broke before the guy's head did.

Now on the bus, he was heading to his favorite bar, where as he reached it, got off the bus. He walked in and downed two beers. Just as he thought life had gotten it's worst, he realised that his pants were stuck to his chair. He then proceded to shoot himself in the face, for he had no job. But again, thick blue rubber bands only hurt.

Shorts

here's a page for my short storys. come back in a couple days if nothing is up yet.
thanks